Red Dwarf Episode: The Arch
by mduncan
Summary: Screenplay in-keeping with the show's earlier characterization, one liners and call backs. A fun episode containing lots of laughs (hopefully!). This episode looks at a situation that (unbelievably- to date at least) has not been revisited by the show, I shall say no more! Enjoy


**The Arch**  
Written by M. Duncan, markduncanuk at gmail com,

 _Opening scene in the midsection of Starbug_

 _{The Cat and Dave are sat at one of the tables, looking at some girly photos, playing some sort of a game. Arnold approaches...}_

 **Arnold:** [In a judging tone] "Oh, this is the lowest of the low, judging women based on their appearance, you never cease to amaze me. It's so degrading, how can you look at a woman like that? It's beyond me!"

 **Dave** : "Would you like to play? "

 **Arnold** : "Go on then!"

 _{Arnold approaches the table.}_

 **Arnold:** "Hang about, these are my photos."

{Dave and The Cat start laughing.}

 **Arnold** : "That one's my mum!"

 **Cat:** "Yeah, we gave her a 10."

 **Arnold** : [Inquisitively] "You gave my mum a 10?"

 **Cat:** "Yeah, we're rating how drunk you have to be to go with them on a scale of 0 to 10!"

 **Dave** : [Slightly remorseful] "10 being blind drunk."

 **Cat:** [Gleefully] "Paralytic!" {holding up the photo of Rimmer's mum}

 _{Arnold snatches the photos from the table and storms off out of shot. Dave, looking around, takes out a set of duplicates and carries on playing the game with Cat.}_

 _{Arnold enters the cockpit where Kryten is piloting.}_

 **Arnold:** "I can't believe they were insulting my mum."

 **Kryten:** "Well, she is a bit ropy Sir."

 **Arnold: "** Ropy? Coming from a Mechanoid that looks like someone rolled a condom over an anvil!"

 _{They are halted by a blip on the radar}_

 **Kryten:** _[Sounding worried]_ "Oh my, I think you better fetch the others."

 _{Arnold rejoins The Cat and Dave in the midsection, who have now finished playing their game}_

 **Arnold:** "'Ribbed for your pleasure' requires your presence in the cockpit."

 **Dave:** "What is it now?"

 **Arnold:** "Something's been identified on the radar; he's not sounded this worried since we ran out of Daz."

 _{They all join Kryten in the cockpit.}_

 **Dave:** "What is it Kyrts? Have the Jehovah Witnesses finally found us?"

 **Kryten:** "Fortunately not Sir. [Pause] It's an escape pod from Red Dwarf"

 _{They discuss and identify it as a modified shuttle from escape pod parts, dating back to the original Red Dwarf. It was jettisoned some 20 years before Dave was woken from status.}_

 **Arnold:** "But who jettisoned this craft, no one was on Red Dwarf before Dave was woken from status?"

 **Cat:** "I was!"

 _{They conclude that it must be the Red Ark (as the blue Ark was destroyed by an asteroid) built by Cat's ancestors during the holy wars when they left Red Dwarf}_

 **Arnold:** "So that ship originally had members of Cat's race on it, who went in search of Fuchal? So if they left when Cat was a baby, it's roughly been floating around for 50 years?"

 **Kryten:** "Actually Sir, it's likely that it's been out here for thousands of years, due to the amount of worm holes, time holes and black holes we've been through.  
 **"** [Quips] We've been in and out of more holes than Tiger Woods; on and off the golf course!"

 **Cat:** "If we're meeting my ancestors, we'd better head through a few more time holes, so I'll have enough time to get ready!"

 **Dave:** "Not meaning any offence mate, but surely no one can survive thousands of years in space on a shuttle that's got fewer on-board facilities than Ryanair!"

 **Kryten:** "On the contrary Sir, I'm picking upwell over a thousand life readings on the craft"

 **Arnold:** "Have you been at the olive oil again Kryten? There's no way you can get a thousand beings on that craft"

 **Dave:** _{Looking at the console}_ He's right you know, it says it right here.

 **Arnold:** "How is that possible?"

 **Dave:** "Only one way to find out!" {Dave programmes Starbug to approach the vessel.}

 _{On the approach, cat complains about being cold}_

 **Dave:** "If you're cold Cat, why don't you switch on the heater?"

 **Cat:** "I didn't think it was working?"

 **Dave:** "It's not, but it makes a really annoying humming noise that will make you forget about being cold!" {Cat switches it on}

 _On the craft_

 _{They arrive by the main hatch, the craft is completely empty}_

 **Dave:** {Looking around}"This is as scary as the time you got with Yvonne McGruder."

 **Arnold** : "That wasn't scary."

 **Dave** : "It was for her!"

 **Arnold:** _[Sarcastically]_ "So where are the thousands Kryten? I told you he was delusional."

 **Kryten:** "According to the Psi-Scan, they're all around us"

 **Arnold:** "Well of course, I can hardly move in here, it's like the Monday morning dole queue in Grimsby!"

 **Kryten:** "There are signatures of tiny life forms coming from within the walls, floors and pipes"

 **Arnold:** "So the ship is overrun by borrowers!"

 **Kryten:** "Maybe this has something to do with it. _{Kryten spots a device in the corner of the craft and he approaches with Arnold}._ This is some sort of atom minimiser. Of course, they must have come across it on their travels and shrunk the crew when their numbers grew too large and set up colonises within the ship"

 _{Dave approaches the minimiser}_

 **Dave:** "So why hasn't it gone off for us?"

 **Kryten:** "I have a theory. Cat will you join us here for a second please?"

 _{As Cat approaches the device sets off and they are all minimised.}_

 **Kryten: "** Just as I expected. The device has been programmed to work only with the DNA from Cat's species. If the ship was ever raided the minimiser would not have gone off and there's nothing of value on the ship as any equipment of worth must have been shrunk with the first settlers, so it's the perfect defence."

 **Arnold:** "So why hasn't the minimiser been stolen?"

 **Kryten:** "Good question, let me just check..." _{Kryten checks behind the device.}_ "Just as I thought... 'Made in Great Britain'."

 _Cat World_

 _{They are shrunk into a world much like Earth, as over the years vegetation has grown throughout the many internal areas of the ship._ _As they walk_ _off to find the settlers, they are ambushed by a native tribe (they are dressed like a tribe, but with well made garments). They are a friendly, but nervous tribe, as they are in hiding, ravaged by the more civilised cat named Zurool and his militia.}_

 **Dave:** "What happened here?"

 **Tribe Leader:** "We were all living in harmony, searching for Fuchal, when Zurool rejected the ancient teachings."

 **Arnold:** "What teachings?"

 **Tribe Leader:** "We believe we were created by 'Cluister the Stupid' and then set off on an Arch to find Fuchal. We were minimised here to save on resources, but Zurool grew tired of waiting and stole the sacred parchments. He's since been mining for precious metals on the ship and built a city out of metal. It's a diabolical place, full of debauchery and sin, where every fantasy is played out."

 **Cat:** "Sounds great, how do we get there?"

 **Dave:** "Cat, behave! Carry on."

 **Tribe Leader:** "Zurool has become mad with power and his militia are hunting us like [whispers] 'dogs' {this causes a reaction of great fear from the others.}"

 **Dave:** "Why don't you just reverse the minimiser and take back control of the ship?"

 **Tribe Leader:** "Because they have the map to Fuchal. It was one of the ancient parchments they stole. "

 **Dave:** "My laundry list!"

 **Tribe Leader:** "Zurool took it, along with the seven Cat commandments, so we couldn't teach our faith anymore. We need that map, so we can re-pilot the ship to Fuchal. We can't get within two leagues of the city, but you are unknown to Zurool. You will be able to get in, will you help us? In exchange we will help you {pointing to The Cat} discover your true heritage."

 _{The Dwarfers agree to help the tribe to recover the map.}_

 _{Because of the vain nature of cats, all the cats in the great metal city are well dressed. Luckily cat has enough clothes for everyone, so is convinced to lend the others his clothes. Except for the Cat, they all look extremely daft!}_

 _{They are shown a map of the metal city}_

 **Tribe Leader:** "You are going out into the open, you must be careful of space weevils."

 **Arnold:** "Space weevils are harmless"

 **Kryten:** "Not when we're an inch tall, Sir!"

 **Lister:** "I'm quite worried about this [Dave passes wind]."

 **Arnold:** "[Smelling it]. That's disgusting!"

 **Dave:** "Think yourself lucky, you only got a noseful, I got a mouthful!"

 **Tribe Leader:** "If you have any supplies you better not take any food with you, as it attracts the weevils.

 **Cat:** "Don't take any food? To a giant space weevil, we are food!

 _Out in the open_

 _{The dwarfers cross the sparse expanse, and run into a space weevil]_

 **Kryten:** [Being chased] "Fancy that, the space weevil has gone from the bottom of the food chain, straight to the top; good for you space weevil!"

 **Dave:** "Kryten, run!"

 _The Great Metal City_

 _{On arrival they are seized by Zurool's militia and taken to Zurool. They say they have cousins living in the city and are visiting for the weekend. Zurool doesn't trust them, so invites them to stay with him, in order to figure out their purpose. He shows them around his private museum and his artefacts. He shows them his most beloved section: The_ _ **'Exhibition of Evil'**_ _, which showcases the Third Reich's Manifesto, Cliff Richard's Greatest Hits, Robbie Savage's autobiography and the IKEA catalogue. Zurool shows off his great artefact, which is the map of Fuchal (Dave's shopping list) on a digital projector. Zurool explains that he took the artefacts from a rebel tribe}_

 _{Zurool talks about the precious metals they have mined and names the main metal used as 'Iron Maiden and Metallica.' They discover the reason behind this, is because Zurool has Lister's notes of the periodic table from his school jotter. Dave explains that he used names of heavy metal bands because he couldn't remember them, such as Iron Maiden,_ _Metallica and of course Alice_ _COPPER!_ _}_

 _{Escorted by Zurool, they are shown the sites of the Great City. They walk through one of the City's many golf courses, where they have to dodge flying golf clubs (in reference to how cat's play golf from 'Better Than Life'}_

 _{They are invited to attend the season's premier of a musical called 'Humans' (a parody of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats}. The show is an onslaught of putdowns and insults towards the human race, making them out to be stupid, clumsy, bad dressers, uncoordinated etc. Dave puts up with as much as he can, then eventually breaks and crashes the stage}_

 **Dave:** "Humans are not like this, you have it wrong."

 **Zurool:** "I knew it, you are human. Arrest them."

 **Dave:** {Causing a diversion} "Watch out, Dogs!"

 _ **{**_ _This causes commotion and they escape. Dave then heads back to the palace and steals the shopping list.}_

{The dwarfers make it back to the tribe and hand over the map. They reverse the shrinking process and head to the cockpit. Arnold asks if Zurool will hunt the tribe down. Dave says he left them something even greater in Zurool's E _xhibition of Evil. Cut to Zurools museum and they are looking astounded at a photo on the projector of Rimmer's mum.}_

 **Zurool:** "She is evil personified; she is now the centre piece of my exhibition!"

 _{Before the Dwarfers leave Cat is handed his family tree by TL.}_

Cat: [Cat looks at his family tree, then looks faint]

Dave: What is it? [looks at the document.] "You're real name's Dwayne!"

Written by M. Duncan, markduncanuk at gmail com,


End file.
